Sexual phantasies and marriage
Anonymous asked this question on 1/10/2001:
I hope this is not inappropriate to ask but what is Catholic view on married couples using sexual fantasy to help stimulate their intimate time together? I've heard of people watching x-rated films or reading x-rated books in order to give them more passion. I've also heard of using your imagination, for example....picture your spouse as someone else (not a real person but an imaginary, ideal mate). Does the Catholic church approve of this type of stuff? Where does it draw the line in help-self methods to rekindle passion and romance when a couple is having problems.
I can recommend a great and powerful aphrodisiac.
Forget about yourself, let's say for a month or two. Concentrate exclusively on making your spouse happy.
You seem to be one of those plentiful soldiers of that sorry, sad and unhappy army that hasn't discovered yet that love has infinite modes and ways to express itself. Let your wife teach you how to transform your sorry tune of lovemaking into a symphony. Apparently, you play only the drum. It sure makes noise but it gets boring, mate!
Can you imagine couples that get down on their knees in order to thank the Lord for their love before they venture into it? Do you think that celebrating the union of man and wife, as a symbol of the union of Christ with His Church is only a theological fantasy of Saint Paul? It's real, man. What about donation in sanctity? Ever explored that dimension? Wake up!
I suggest that you go to confession and accuse yourself that you are a terrible egotist. Moreover, you should accuse yourself that you are boring your wife because she has given up on you. You don't listen to her. She's an object to satisfy yourself. She has to be changed in order to be interesting. I suggest further that Christians who live a deeply spiritual life have a greater sensitivity and a major capacity to make love. Am I right about your scarce spirituality, about your prayers being in short supply?
In addition, lovemaking takes time, brother, lots and lots of foreplay. It doesn't begin only after the sun sets. It begins in the morning, the day before.
It's one of the most horrid things when someone needs stimulation in order to not be bored in midst of the miracles that happen to him every day. That's valid for us celibates too. It's a robbery of revolution, a shelter against the bolt from the blue.
Generally, it has to do with the fact that you can't assimilate suffering. And love implies suffering. Life is too unfair, isn't it? Therefore, you shield yourself in scheduled habits in order to suffer less. That custom spouts boredom because you aren't open anymore for surprises. And many times it's just plain laziness. Let's be done and get over it!
You are bored by your marriage. The solution is not to find new techniques, new tricks and treats. Recover your first love.
You say that's not possible? B… I mean, you are like the man that has lost his capacity to see wonders. You are bored by a gorgeous sunset, oh yes, because you have seen so many sunsets so many times. For you the sun just settles down. That's all to it. You have lost the revelation of the infinite different details and changes that occur every time. Where is your poetry? I suggest that you whole life is a routine. And I bet that you aren't grateful nor to God and neither to your wife.
Sorry if I'm rough on you.
But you are just playing the drum.
You can't hear the gentler sounds.
Come on, you should be able to play a symphony!
PS. I have a similar invective (harangue, tirade, outburst) for your wife... if she wants it, I mean! But probably her question would be very different, wouldn't it?
PPSS. Love has to do with reality. Therefore, you should try to tackle the problem in your marriage and not use romance as a magic wand to make it disappear. It doesn't go away!